Last Night I Had Such Good Dreams
by Jennifer Perrine
I woke myself up laughing, and today I went down
聽 聽 聽 聽 聽 聽to the lake and sat for an hour listening to ice
shift and break into endless shards, its creaking ceaseless,
聽 聽 聽 聽 聽 聽and I did not think of you much, or of how I am
not as good as you were at making French toast, or rice
聽 聽 聽 聽 聽 聽even, how I cooked a huge batch to last me the week
and remembered too late how you used to rinse the grains
聽 聽 聽 聽 聽 聽to keep them from sticking, so I wound up with eight cups
of thick goop, and said to myself some Asian you are,
聽 聽 聽 聽 聽 聽and when I forgave myself for fucking up the rice,
I wondered whose voice that was鈥攜ours or mine or the great
聽 聽 聽 聽 聽 聽collective mouth that hums through the cloud and thinks it knows
best how I should grieve, says get over it already,
聽 聽 聽 聽 聽 聽and just for a while this evening, after I came back
from that vast expanse of water, those brittle crystals
聽 聽 聽 聽 聽 聽splintering and coming to rest on the shore, I thought
I had鈥攇otten over it, or you, as I gazed up
聽 聽 聽 聽 聽 聽at the full moon rising through the trees and wondered how
another month had passed, and I said out loud to that
聽 聽 聽 聽 聽 聽satellite鈥攖hat desolate rock that does nothing but
orbit and reflect light and drive the tides鈥擨 said look
聽 聽 聽 聽 聽 聽how far I have come, I am still here, I have survived
the worst of it, I woke up laughing last night, when was
聽 聽 聽 聽 聽 聽the last time that happened, and when the moon answered back
with its wild silence I realized too late I was
聽 聽 聽 聽 聽 聽never talking to the moon at all, that when I speak
to an empty place, I am always speaking to you.
is the author of four books of poetry: Again; The Body Is聽No Machine; In the Human Zoo; and No Confession, No Mass. Perrine鈥檚 recent聽poems, stories, and essays appear in The Missouri Review, New Letters, The Seventh聽Wave Magazine, Buckman Journal, and The Gay & Lesbian Review. A resident of聽Portland, Oregon, Perrine co-hosts the Incite: Queer Writers Read series, teaches聽creative writing, and serves as a wilderness guide.